For Those with Human Mothers

Maybe it's because my third baby was born 9 years after my first...almost a decade...but mothering Anna has had me thinking a lot about those first few months mothering Aidan.  Maybe it's because I've grown up so much since then, learned so much that I didn't know then...about myself, about God, about mothering.  Maybe it's because she reminds me of him.  I don't know why, but I find myself hoping...hoping that I loved on him enough, that I cherished those fleeting baby months enough.  Hoping that I was patient enough, that I kissed his cheeks enough, rocked him enough.  How I'd love to hold him as a baby just one more time.  I was single then and spent most of my days terrified, wondering how we were going to make it from one month to the next.  My faith was small then.  As usual, God was still faithful.  I just wish I'd realized it more.  Hindsight.  I worried a lot.  About bills, and diapers and groceries and who would teach him to be a man...a good man.  I hope I didn't rush him too much in my fear.  I hope I loved him well.  Why God chose to bless me with Aidan, when I was such a mess of fear and dysfunction, and insecurity I'll never know.  Maybe it's because I have something unique to offer Aidan on his journey.  Maybe it was for all the things Aidan would teach me...about forgiveness, about God's love, about grace. 

Mothering is hard.  But not for the reasons we all think of...the endless dishes, and laundry, the sleepless nights...it's hard work for sure, but it's also just hard.  There's no help, no way to know if you're getting it right.  You don't know if you've gotten it right until it's too late to change it if you didn't.  If you're reading this, then your mother is human, and if your mother is human, she made mistakes.  Just like I'll make mistakes...and have already.  And, as much as I'd like to take them back...to go back and do a few things differently...to react differently, to have more patience, to enjoy it more, I can't.  So much of this is just a shot in the dark.  What if I'm doing this all wrong?  What if they resent that we sacrificed so much for me to be home with them?  What if they can't forgive me for not letting them participate in most of the culture that surrounds us?  What if I haven't taught them enough responsibility or self-discipline?  What if they wish I had let them play more sports?  Or less?  Have I equipped them for the marriages they'll some day have?  Have I taught them how to use money?  How to love people?  It's hard and scary, and we only get one shot at it, and there are no do overs. 

When I said, “My foot is slipping, ”
your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
 When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy. Psalm 94:18-19

Thankfully, when the anxiety rises, that still, small voice breaks through.  I am not alone in this.  There is ONE who knows.  The one who created my children-the one who died for them-the one who in His wisdom, saw fit to give them to me--he speaks to me.  He helps me navigate all this.  And, if I'm listening, what he's telling me is to teach them grace.  To teach them how fallen we all are...even the "best" of us.  To teach them how desperate we are for a savior, and to teach them that this savior has come.  Not only for me...their very human, very inept mother...but for them...for all of us.  Above all else, I am to teach them this gospel story that we are all a part of...while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  And while I was still human, and still a sinner, God called me to participate in the divine...to pass this gospel down to these 3 little souls that live in my home and call me mommy. 

It is my greatest calling.  And it shakes me to my very core to think I may not do it right.  So, I cling to Him.  I hold on for dear life.  I need Him...his grace, his forgiveness.  I am so desperate for Him.  I need thee every hour second.

Be encouraged moms!  God is with you.  HE gave you these children.  He called you to this great purpose.  And he will equip you.  And, if you are the child of a very human mother, maybe this year, for Mother's Day, you could show her a little grace.  Because so much grace has been extended to all  of us.  We have ALL been forgiven so much.  And God draws us to repentance with his kindness, his love and his grace.  So, if you know a mom that could use a little of that this weekend, maybe it's your own mother, extend it to her.  Spread a little heaven on earth for a mom this weekend.  We could all use it, for while this is a beautiful and rewarding calling, it's not always an easy one.