The Gift of Loneliness

I'm not exactly sure when I first felt it.  I know it's only been recently that I've been able to give it a name.  I know this feeling has been with me as long as I can remember...even as a young child.  It has never been overwhelming, or even really a depressing thing, and I would hate for anyone to feel sorry for me because of it.  As far back as my memory can reach, I've had this sense that I don't quite fit in, I don't quite belong, that I'm often misunderstood...that there's no one else that sees things in exactly the same way that I see them.  This feeling that no one else perceives things in exactly the way that I do or experiences things the way I do.  It's a melancholy feeling...like a sadness, but not a deep sadness that prevents me from enjoying and loving my life...just a sense that I can't really describe.  The best word I can use to label it is loneliness. Have you ever felt that?  Even when you're surrounded by dear friends and loving, supportive family?  An aching or a longing that you can't explain?  I have this feeling that there is so much more to my mind, my heart, my soul than any person could ever fully know.  That feeling can make me feel awfully alone sometimes. 

Lately, God has been teaching me that he put that place in my heart...that melancholy void.  He put it there, because it is what drew me to Him in the first place.  And, it is what keeps me turning back to Him again and again.  Because, he does know.  He knows every layer, every facet of my being.  He has been with me...even when I was hidden in my mother's womb.  He knew what I would become.  He knew how I would rebel and sin and mess up.  He was there for every sad and hurtful moment.  He felt with me what I was feeling.  He knew how it impacted me.  When it's hard for me...He gets it.  He was also there for every joyful moment.  He was there every time a dream was achieved and for every longing fulfilled.  And he got that too...not just what it means to everyone else, but what it means specifically for me.  He gets it.  He gets me...fully.  Nothing is hidden, there are no secrets, and He loves me.  Really, really loves me.  Even more, he delights in me.  And he joyfully gives me the desires of my heart...the real desires, not just Dollar Store junk I think I want, but beautiful invaluable treasures that I don't even realize I want...because he knows me. 

So, that feeling that's been with me?  I'm thankful for it.  It has kept my heart tethered to the only One that can ease it.  And, when the feeling gets to be too much?  I know I've strayed too far.  It's time to go back..to the One who has  adored me...to the One I am learning to adore more and more each day. I'm so grateful for a love like His.  Who can even fathom it? 

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

Psalm 63: 1-5

Cleaning Closets

I have less than 6 weeks to go before the big day!  Nesting has kicked in full force.  Yesterday, I cleaned out the linen closet.  I also cleaned out the closet that Ella and the baby will share.  Actually, this is the 3rd time I've rearranged that closet.  I think I finally have it the way I want it!  Recently, I've also reorganized all of my kitchen cabinets.  Up next, is my closet and drawers, the coat closet and the utility room shelves.  Wow, that makes me tired just to think about it...but I am compelled to do it.  Pregnancy makes you do crazy things!

What I hate about organizing closets is everything gets a whole lot messier before it gets better.  I hate that I can work all day on something, but when you look around, it looks like I've done nothing.  For me, the best way to clean a closet is to drag everything out of it.  Then, I put back only what is necessary and figure out what to do with the rest.

I've been gearing up for some spiritual closet cleaning too.  Eight months of pregnancy has a way of knocking you off track.  It's easy to think about only yourself when you don't feel well.  It's easy to skip being in the Word and prayer.  Somewhere between the 4 months of nausea, lower back aches, sleepless nights and the total lack of energy, I've lost focus on some of the more important disciplines...devoting time to God's word, prayer, focusing on things more eternal.  It's easy to justify.  With a very small amount of energy, it's tempting to go into survival mode...just do the things that absolutely have to be done...the laundry, the dishes, the kids.  When exhaustion rears it's head, it's easy to waste hours unengaged...on activities that don't really require anything from me.  But that leaves my mind feeling cluttered and out of sorts...much like the closets I've been cleaning.  And thinking about adding those things that really matter back into my life just makes me tired.  When should I do it?  Get up early?  Stay up late?  I'm much too exhausted for that.  My "closet" is too cluttered to shove one more thing in there.  It makes me feel frustrated, and tired.

So, what's the answer?  I guess, I'll drag everything out.  I'll take a hard look at everything and ask the hard questions.  Do I need this during this season of my life,or should I toss it?  Should this have a prominent place or maybe a much smaller one?  Can this go in someone else's closet for a while?  Then, I'll put back only the things I need...time with God, precious time and energy devoted to my children and husband, more serving...less complaining, less media, more being actively engaged...less shutting everything out...less TV, more sleep...fewer negative words, more encouraging words.  I'll choose prayer over Facebook, and engaging with my kids over Pinterest (ouch!).  I'll go to bed early instead of watching one more TV show.  I'll take better care of myself so I can take better care of my family.  When energy and time are low, it's important that I choose to do only what is most needed.  Just like when arranging Ella's tiny closet...only the essentials can stay.  There's no room for anything else.

What I hate about closet cleaning is how messy the process can be.  But, what I love about closet cleaning is how much better you feel when it's done.  Less exhaustion, less anxiety, less feeling overwhelmed.  I love opening a clean, well-organized closet.   No more opening the closet, trying not to really look at it, shoving something in and slamming the door before it all comes crashing down.  I can breathe a little easier and feel a little lighter. 

So, between now and when the baby arrives, I'll not only be cleaning physical closets, but the closets of my heart and my mind as well.  Because when a closet contains only what is important, only what truly matters, then you can more fully enjoy it and utilize it.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
^15-16So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it.   Philippians 3:14-16 (The Message)

Rambling from the Pregnant Cat Lady

I'm writing this from the only comfortable spot I can find anymore...my arm chair in my living room.  I can put my feet up, and it has 2 arms that I can use to propel myself into a standing position should the need arise.  I am almost 34 weeks pregnant.  I have 6 weeks and 2 days to go...not that I am keeping track.  I am thinking my next blog post could be titled, "1001 Ways to Get Things off the Floor without Bending Over."  I've had to get quite creative in the last couple of weeks.  I haven't gained much weight with this pregnancy.  I really haven't had much of an appetite.  The baby has grown just fine, which is good.  But over the past week, that all changed.  All the sudden, I am ravenous all the time.  Not just a little hungry, but STARVING.  I eat, and 5 minutes later my stomach is growling again. I wake up hungry in the middle of the night.  I have a feeling I'm going to start packing on the pounds.

This morning, at 7:30, three of Aidan's friends from school showed up at our house unexpectedly.  They decided to hang out here until it was time to go to school.  They also decided to raid our refrigerator.  I realized that in the not too distant future, these boys will all be teenagers with EVEN bigger appetites.  I'm going to have to keep a LOT more food on hand.  Our little eating machine, has grown 4 inches so far this year!  Yikes.  That growth was fueld by many bowls of cereal, many tubes of yogurt and about a million peanut butter sandwiches.  He'll also eat as much taco casserole and salmon patties as you'll give him.  He's 8.  Heaven help us when he's a teenager. 

While Aidan's friends were here this morning, one of them asked me if I had a job.  When I said no he said, "so what do you do, just stay here and take care of that cat all day?"  Yep, that's what I do...take care of the cat...all day, every day.  It's a full time job.

I think the baby's name is probably Anna Kate.  But, I haven't decided that to the point that I'm ready to do anything permanent...like put it on her registry, or put it in her room anywhere. 

In other random news, Mark and I have been doing some serious talking about becoming goat farmers.  I'll give you a minute to stop laughing.


Better?  Seriously though...wouldn't it be cool to move your family to the country, buy some goats and chickens and live a simpler life.  I know it would be hard work, but hard physical labor makes you feel so much better than hard mental/emotional labor.  We're thinking about it...you only live once, right?  We've also talked about having a farm and hosting summer camps for kids that would like to experience life on a farm for a while in the summer.  We found out after we were already married that we both had a dream to run a camp for kids.  We don't even know where to begin, but we're talking about it...looking into it, talking to some people that have done it.  You never know where God might lead.

Well, that's all I have for today.  Thanks for stopping by to read this...I don't have much to say lately.  I've been pretty preoccupied with baby stuff, house selling stuff, etc.  But, I'm glad I got to check in and say hi.

Love,
The Pregnant Cat Lady

Bracelets

Tonight, Aidan decided to make each of us a bracelet.  He made them out of strips of paper and tape.  He wrote a message for us on our bracelets.  This is what they say:

Mommy:  You rock!

Ella:  Sometimes you're annoying, but I like you.

Daddy:  I love you.

Aidan:  Aidan rules and everyone else drools.

Nana:  You are the best nana a boy could have.

and perhaps my favorite,

Pawpaw:  If you weren't in our family, we'd all be dead.

34 Things I Know:

1.  A little appreciation goes a long way.  We're all trying to figure out what in the world we're doing and if we're doing it right, so when someone notices, it makes a huge difference.  It works for everyone...bosses, friends, family, children and especially husbands.

2.  Take grumpy children and place them in water...any kind of water...bathtubs, swimming pools, sprinklers.  Works every time.  (Don't hold them under or anything, just let them play and relax.)

3.  If my kids are in a stage of being grumpy, whiny, clingy, or just down right mean, it usually means I am not spending enough one on one time with them...schedule a date immediately.

4.  If I am in a stage of being grumpy, whiny, clingy or just down right mean, it usually means I am not spending enough time with my Father...schedule a date immediately.

5. You should not buy off-brand graham crackers, Grape Nuts, or dishwashing detergent.

6. Bad boys are overrated.  You know that "mysterious" quality that makes a boy seem so "bad" to begin with??  It's selfishness.  There, mystery solved.  Move on to someone more deserving of you.

7.  Oxi-Clean will get out old milk stains that you didn't know were in your baby's clothes, until after you have stored them in the attic for 4 years.  Yep, it gets out 4 year old milk stains.  Love that stuff.

8.  Kids like cartoons with obnoxious songs.  Accept it.

9.  One of the best things you can do to help your kids in school?  Read to them...a lot...from the time they are old enough to sit in your lap.  Trust me...it works.

10.  Comparing what you have with what others have is a sure way to be miserable.

11.  Being thankful for every blessing you have been given is a sure way to find joy.

12. Use things, love people...not the other way around.

13.  If your mother says something that infuriates you, she's probably right, and you probably already know that.

14. Being rebellious is not always a bad thing.  Jesus was rebellious.  Rebel against injustice and low standards.

15. Honesty is amazingly refreshing.

16. The world measures success by how much money or attention something gains.  But, real success is measured by how many people something affects in a positive way.

17. Kids like toys that allow them to use their imagination.  These are usually the most inexpensive toys.  If a toy does everything for the child (you know, the expensive ones) they will play with it exactly 3 times, become bored with it and bury it in their closet...but then swear it is their most favorite toy ever in the whole world if you try to get rid of it.  Save your money...and your closet space.

18. Kids just want to make you happy.  If they find that nothing makes you happy, when they are teenagers they will switch to just trying to make you miserable.  Hey, some emotion is better than no emotion, right?

19.  As bad as it sounds, it is good for people to experience some disappointment and pain.  It is good for people to struggle.  Anyone that tries to always protect you from all negative experience and emotion does so to your detriment.

20.  The world could use more people of real courage.

21.  I am blessed with lots of people that love me and that I love in return.  My parents, my husband, my kids...but as much as I love them, there is only ONE that has been there, every moment...seen every tear cried in secret, laughed along with me, protected me when I didn't even know I needed it, blessed me beyond measure, had a plan for me...a plan to give me abundant life, heard every thought (even the bad ones), known every insecurity and where it came from...and loved me with an everlasting love in spite of all of it...and THAT is the person that has my whole heart and all of my devotion.

22.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  Whenever I start looking to someone else or something else to make me happy (or blaming them for my unhappiness), I'm the one with a problem, not them.

23.  God is good.  All the time.  I can never be more fair or loving than He is.  If I start to think I am, I need to get a new perspective.

24.  We take ourselves too seriously.

25.  We don't take God seriously enough.

26.  If your kids aren't paying enough attention to you, act like you're trying to talk on the phone.  You will become the center of their world.

27.  Be predictable when disciplining your children and unpredictable while having fun with them.

28. It takes two to argue.  If you're right, you'll still be right even if you don't argue.

29.  You can live on a lot less money than you think you can.

30.  Not having everything you want leads to a lot of self-reliance and ingenuity.  If I had a lot of money, I never would have known that Mark can fix a water heater and leaky pipes, and I can fix an ice maker and get 4 year old stains out of baby clothes.

31.  Always pay cash up front.  Always.  Debt is bad.  I'll say it again, debt is bad.  If God hasn't provided the means for you to buy it without going into debt, you probably don't need it.

32. Your day will go better if you make your bed as soon as you wake up.  It just does.

33. One load of laundry each day...no more, no less.  Wash it, dry it, put it away...resist the urge to do more.  It will change your life.

34. The last 34 years have been full of God's blessings and provision.  He has never let me down...not once.  It's always been an adventure, and I can't wait to see what's next!  Happy birthday to me.  :)

Me, 34 years ago!

Obnoxious

I overheard this conversation between Aidan and Ella the other day:

Aidan:  "Ella, everyone is obnoxious sometimes."  (he was, no doubt, trying to justify his own obnoxiousness!)

Ella:  "No they're not."

Aidan:  "Yes they are.  Everyone is obnoxious sometimes.  Everyone."

Ella:  "No they're not."

Aidan:  "Yes they are."

Ella:  "God is not obnoxious.  He only loves us and helps us."

For once, Aidan had nothing to say.  :)

What's in a Name?

I am 29 1/2 weeks pregnant...at this stage, every little bit counts.  That means we only have 10 1/2 weeks to go, and the baby still doesn't have a name.  I would really like to start referring to the baby with a name.  So, I am posting a poll on the blog where you can vote on your favorite name out of our top choices.  I can't promise that we'll use the winner, but it would be nice to gets some input from other people.  Let me give you a little background first.

The name needs to sound good with Aidan and Ella.  I also place a high importance on the meaning of names.  I don't know why, but it's important to me.  Aidan means fire, and Ella means torch.  Mark and I like the name Anna, because we feel it has a lot of family significance.  The baby's grandmothers are Anita (a form of Ann) and Nanci (which shares the same root as Anna).  All three names mean gracious.  Mark had a great-grandmother named Anna, and I had a really sweet aunt named Ann.  So, there's lots of family tie in with this name.  The downside?  Aidan hates it.

Our next choice is Kate.  We like the name Kate.  Aidan and Ella both want to name the baby Kate.  But, for some reason we hesitate to give the baby a one syllable first name.  Probably because we're so used to 2 syllables with Aidan and Ella, it just seems awkward.  Although, Mark is a one syllable name, and that seems to have worked out fine!  We like Kate, but not Catherine.  We've considered spelling it with a C, just to be different, and because my great grandmother's maiden name was Cates.  Kate or Cate means pure.

One of our middle name choices is Sophia.  It means wise.  I love this name.  Mark likes it too, but thinks it falls on the "fancy" side and he prefers "cute" over "fancy."

So, that's where we are in the baby naming process.  We can't seem to commit to any of these choices.  It's hard because I loved Ella's name from the beginning.  This time I can't find something that I am as committed to as I was to her name.  So, please look in the right margin and cast your vote...the more votes the better.  Anyone can vote.  If you vote for one of the options with "Kate" please leave me a comment saying if you would spell it with a K or a C.  If you have a great name option that we haven't thought of, we'd love to hear that too.

**Also...I added a new feature on the blog.  You can now follow by email.  Click on that option on the right if you'd like to get emails when I update the blog!  Thanks!