The Gift of Loneliness

I'm not exactly sure when I first felt it.  I know it's only been recently that I've been able to give it a name.  I know this feeling has been with me as long as I can remember...even as a young child.  It has never been overwhelming, or even really a depressing thing, and I would hate for anyone to feel sorry for me because of it.  As far back as my memory can reach, I've had this sense that I don't quite fit in, I don't quite belong, that I'm often misunderstood...that there's no one else that sees things in exactly the same way that I see them.  This feeling that no one else perceives things in exactly the way that I do or experiences things the way I do.  It's a melancholy feeling...like a sadness, but not a deep sadness that prevents me from enjoying and loving my life...just a sense that I can't really describe.  The best word I can use to label it is loneliness. Have you ever felt that?  Even when you're surrounded by dear friends and loving, supportive family?  An aching or a longing that you can't explain?  I have this feeling that there is so much more to my mind, my heart, my soul than any person could ever fully know.  That feeling can make me feel awfully alone sometimes. 

Lately, God has been teaching me that he put that place in my heart...that melancholy void.  He put it there, because it is what drew me to Him in the first place.  And, it is what keeps me turning back to Him again and again.  Because, he does know.  He knows every layer, every facet of my being.  He has been with me...even when I was hidden in my mother's womb.  He knew what I would become.  He knew how I would rebel and sin and mess up.  He was there for every sad and hurtful moment.  He felt with me what I was feeling.  He knew how it impacted me.  When it's hard for me...He gets it.  He was also there for every joyful moment.  He was there every time a dream was achieved and for every longing fulfilled.  And he got that too...not just what it means to everyone else, but what it means specifically for me.  He gets it.  He gets me...fully.  Nothing is hidden, there are no secrets, and He loves me.  Really, really loves me.  Even more, he delights in me.  And he joyfully gives me the desires of my heart...the real desires, not just Dollar Store junk I think I want, but beautiful invaluable treasures that I don't even realize I want...because he knows me. 

So, that feeling that's been with me?  I'm thankful for it.  It has kept my heart tethered to the only One that can ease it.  And, when the feeling gets to be too much?  I know I've strayed too far.  It's time to go back..to the One who has  adored me...to the One I am learning to adore more and more each day. I'm so grateful for a love like His.  Who can even fathom it? 

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

Psalm 63: 1-5