Losing the Battle but Winning the War

I will start this post by telling you that I am not the perfect parent.  I know, I'll give you a minute to recover from the shock.




Better?  I make mistakes all the time...lose my temper, toss around a sarcastic remark here or there, let things slide that I shouldn't...parenting is definitely a journey.

But, something I try to keep in the forefront of my mind is to think ahead.  Don't lose the whole war over one battle.  It's hard to explain what I mean by this, so I'll share some recent examples.

Yesterday, Aidan walked home with tears in his eyes.  He was upset because he had made a 50 on his spelling test.  Now, Aidan is a good student.  He makes good grades.  He has a spelling test hanging on the refrigerator with a 106 on it.  So, this is not a habit.  He just blew it on this test.  So when he walked up to me in the driveway with tears in his eyes and blurted out, "I made a 50 on my spelling test."  I had a choice how to respond.  I could have gotten angry.  I could have demanded to know what happened.  But, here stood this little boy, that hates to fail, obviously broken up about this test.  Why did he need me to make it worse?  So, I hugged him.  And, I thanked him for telling me.  He didn't have to.  The teacher didn't send the test home.  I told him he'd do better next week, and I would help him study more if he needed me to.  See, I could have fought a battle over this one test, or I could win the war for his heart.  I want him to trust me.  I want him to WANT to tell me when something goes wrong...when he messes up.  I want him to know he can come to me and we can work together to fix it.  Because, some day, it will be more than a spelling test.  And, when those big mistakes come, I want him to know that he can come to his dad and me, because we are on his side.

This next example is a little harder for me.  Aidan has a loose tooth.  I hate it when Aidan has a loose tooth.  He has some odd pathological fear about pulling his teeth.  I know how he feels, because I had the same fear when I was little.  This tooth is barely hanging on.  If he would let me, I could pull it in a second.  It takes all my will to not grab him, hold him down and yank that tooth out so the whole thing will be over.  Or, I could try the old, "I just want to look at it" trick and pull it as soon as he opens his mouth.  But, he probably wouldn't fall for that anyway.  He wants to pull it himself, when he's ready.  It sounds silly, but I have to really calm myself down with this one.  I have to remind myself that in the big scheme of things, this is nothing.  The battle is the tooth.  I could win it, if I really wanted to...make him pull it on my time, not his.  But, I want to win the war for his heart.  It's more important that he learn to face this fear on his own, that he feels the pride of pulling it himself, even if that takes a day or two longer.  It's more important that he knows if I say I'm not going to pull his tooth unless he asks me to...that I'm really not going to do it.  Because some day he will have to face bigger fears on his own, and I won't be able to help him.  He needs to know the feeling of gathering up all your courage and doing the thing that needs to be done.  And, I know he'll do it...unless the tooth falls out first!

Vicky Courtney says we should raise our kids to be godly, not good.  There's a difference.  Raising our children to be "good" is self-serving.  We can brag about them...their grades, their behavior, etc.  It makes us feel good when our kids are good.  The thing about good kids, is they are usually being good to please someone, and their definition of "good" will change based on who that someone is.  Godly men and women make mistakes, but then they repent and allow God to use their mistakes.  Godly men and women live for an audience of one.  They live to please God.

So, what are the battles you fight with your kids?  Are you winning the battles, but losing the war?  Try to change your perspective.  Think long term.  Think about what you're teaching them about your relationship...and about their relationship with God.  Give consequences when necessary, be honest with them, teach them the right way to do things instead of criticizing them when they do it wrong, remember they are little and still learning.  Hold them to high, Godly standards, but always remember the grace and mercy that God shows to each of us.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this too...we're all in this together!  Raising a generation of Godly men and women is an enormous task!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter weekend.